The Baby

from by Thunderegg



Recorded March 27, 2005, for week 13 of the Song of the Week project.


Tell me a little about the baby. I’m gathering information.

William Calderon: That baby that was born with the mustache and the teeth? Nah, that’s some nasty....Maribel told me about that, that it was born and said something bad was gonna happen.

That’s all you know?

William: had a mustache and teeth.
Steven Polanco: I even saw it on the news, right?

It’s not on the news.

Steven: Oh. What it was on, then?

I don’t know.

Steven: Anyway. They told me the baby was born with a mustache and teeth. And I just heard right now that it said in Spanish, Algo increible va a pasar.

What does that mean?

Steven: “Something incredible’s going to happen.” And then it died. And then I heard something else: that they said it was born with a mustache and teeth and—
Gilberto Brioso (interrupting): —and nails—

It had nails?

Gilberto: —and they said—
Steven: —and then they said—
Gilberto: —it was like, it was like—
Steven: Shut up, I’m being interviewed! And then they said its brother was going to die. The baby told its mother that its brother was going to die. So the brother died, and on Friday everyone else was going to die.
Gilberto: You know what I heard? Ms. Leistikow was saying stuff about it. Your own staff member was saying stuff about it.
Janai McCrae: The baby said we’re gonna die on Friday! On the twenty-fifth. And he was born with teeth—
Rohanie Parbhoo: No, no—the baby said something incredible was going to happen. That could be something good, too.
Janai: No, look. After the mother got the baby, the mother died. Then the baby said something and then the baby died.
Rohanie: I’ve heard so many different stories, it’s not even funny.
Oprah Nin Valdez: So yesterday in the news, right? They said this Dominican lady gave birth to a baby. So the baby—I was watching it—so the baby came out with a mustache, a beard, and teeth, and he had “666” on his forehead. And then he told his mother, and he told the doctor, that the world was gonna end on March 25, 2005. Stay up till 12:01 and you’re just gonna see the whole world collapse before your eyes. And then, like, the mother died, and then he died, and then the brother...and the sister...they died.

Are you going to stay up until 12:01?

Oprah: Hell, no. I’m going to sleep.
Rodney Morris: They said that it had “666” on its forehead—
Daila Viteri: —and that it had a beard, teeth, and it talked.
Rodney: And that it said we were gonna die tomorrow. 12:01 o’clock.

Does it really have “666” on its forehead?

Rodney: That’s what they said. Ask Rosa.

Rosa, what do you know about the baby?

Rosa Cepeda: They’re talking about that it was born with a mustache, and it had teeth, and it was talking. It was like, “Oh, tomorrow everybody’s gonna die.”
Rodney: And that all the doctors and nurses that dealt with the baby died, too. That’s what I heard.
Rosa: The mother and the baby died. But I think it’s either the devil or somebody just made it up. I need to see. I need to see things to believe.

Geoffrey, what do you know about the baby?

Geoffrey Rojas: Huh?
Rosa: The baby—
Geoffrey: Oh! Yeah! I heard we’re gonna die tomorrow. That nigga said, “Oh, the twenty-fifth, we’re all gonna die”—

He was born talking?

Geoffrey: Yeah. He was born with a mustache, a beard, and teeth. And after that, the mom died, and after that the doctor took the baby and said, “Wow, this is amazing!” And the baby said, “Amazing it will be on the twenty-fifth.” And then the doctor died. And he had “666” on his forehead. But you know, these damn Dominicans and their damn superstitions.
Claudia Wilson: That is not true. This is Claudia. Listen. That is not true. Y’all need to stop saying that bullshit. Because it’s not true. And if I ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever hear somebody say that, I’m gonna smack them.
John Gomez: We’re all gonna die! Aaaaaarghhhh!
Erica DeJesus: The doctors saw it had a mustache and teeth—
Stacey Bosques: And it started talking Spanish.
Erica: And the doctor was like, “This is incredible,” and the baby was like, “No, what’s incredible is what’s happening on Friday the twenty-fifth,” or whatever.
Stacey: And it died.
Erica: And it died.
Stacey: And the mom died.
Erica: And it was talking Spanish.

And the mom died, too?

Erica: The mom died, and then the baby was born.

Is the doctor still alive?

Erica: They said that the doctor’s in critical condition. The doctor is dying.
Stacey: For real?
Erica: Yeah. And that they want to interview him, but he can’t talk and stuff.


from Spent Butane (1999), released September 7, 1999




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