Not What I Meant (2012)

by Thunderegg

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credits

released December 18, 2012

Played and recorded to four-track cassette by Will Georgantas at 1007 Sutter Street, San Francisco, May-June and November-December 2012. All songs © 2012 Will Georgantas; Zivlizdin Songs (BMI). Liz O, David Colón, and Mario Di Sandro: vocals on "Open, Open, Open." Pieces: vocals on "Nation of Avenues." Reese Douglas: lead guitar on "What I Wrote Down." Josh Johnson: banjo on "What I Wrote Down."

See the video for "Not What I Meant" at www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqOLkl9mao8.

Thank you: Sam Britton, Ryan Clark, David Colón, T Cooper, Chris Cowles, Rob Cox, Mario Di Sandro, Reese Douglas, Dylan and Justin Eyre, Josh Johnson, Alan Monasch, Liz O, Selby Schwartz, Emily Sevin, KC Turner, Courtney Wachtel, Alan Weatherhead.

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Track Name: Piled at Our Feet
I know you have no conception of what to do, too much to choose from. But I know you expected someone to do it for you, whatever form it assumed. I'm so glad you're my teacher, cause of late it's been getting so complicated, glowing down the mountain, glowing in the street, answers all around us, piled at our feet.

I didn't try and it's still not working, I thought for certain I'd find the person by now. We're downsizing, we're firing the consultants, we wanted results, not to be insulted. I'm so glad you're my teacher, cause of late it's been getting so complicated, glowing down the mountain, glowing in the street, answers all around us, piled at our feet.
Track Name: Anything but Me
While attending some open mic, I saw some dude playing some song I liked, and I was like, Why can't I write an awesome song like that, why can't I hold a room in my palm like that? I was walking out by the beach, I saw a yellow dog chasing after a Frisbee, and I thought, What a shame I'll never be like that, never loving or loyal or free like that. Looked all around me out on the street: That banker has more money, that car is faster than me, I'm cryin', I'm cryin', but the baby does it better and his mom, I never met her, but she'd say, "Wouldn't even have considered you. My husband is a doctor and what do you do?" I would've lied and tried to say I'm a provider, too, I've got a lot to offer, she'd say, "Oh yeah? Prove it, we'll see." That singer, that dog, that banker, that car, that baby, that lady, it seems I want to be anything but me.

Some people manage to live their whole lives but don't consider for a minute what they're actually like. It's like, Why they wanna deprive us like that? Why would anyone deny surprises like that? They march along like they were told they should, it’s no wonder it’s so easy to feel misunderstood. If I could be a little more like something normal, would you see your way to telling me I’m any good? I went out for a long, long ride, thought I'd find some comfort in the countryside, I'm drivin', I'm drivin', and for a moment I get the notion that if I only kept in motion I’d be okay. But that would mean they got their way, and someone else would only have to take my place. It’d be easy to leave but easier to stay, easy to be me and to be unafraid, let them see: That singer, that dog, that banker, that car, that baby, that lady, I'm gonna let them be anything but me.
Track Name: Louder Than Bands
The last one cashed 'em out and whispered something 'bout the way things don't break for me. I got another round, felt that familiar brownout form as my thoughts poured toward me. It slips out of my hands, it sounds louder than bands, like time-lapse flowers expand, the petals flutter to the ground. I'm getting turned around, another heav'nly sound, I sing it loud aloud. I try to commit it, my memory won't grip it.

Sometimes you write it down, sometimes you wish you found the words by light of morning. Sometimes you're better off pretending what you lost deserved to be rewarded. It slips out of my hands, it sounds louder than bands, like time-lapse flowers expand, the petals flutter to the ground. I'm getting turned around, another heav'nly sound, I sing it loud aloud. It's just some dumb shit I don't need to revisit. La la la.
Track Name: Open, Open, Open (feat. Liz O., David Colón, and Mario Di Sandro)
Miss Lacey Lane’s eighty-eight years old. They don’t allow pets at the retirement home. She leaves her window open in the frigid cold, and the pigeons fly in for her dinner rolls.

Open, open, open your arms to me, groping through the cold and the dark with me. I’m hoping at the far end that you will see your way to open, open, open your heart to me.

I traveled the width of the continent, and in the transition I lost my friends. This new city glimmers like ruby rocks, and I walk the streets lost like an orphaned sock.

Open, open, open...

She believes that if you’re worth talking to, you’ll have a list of sycophants watching you and a song in some ad for some running shoe that says to just do what you never thought you’d do.

Open, open, open...
Track Name: They Declared It Impossible
First things first, let’s just establish a few terms: Do you believe in me or is it just your own personal version? Further, what would it take for me to be granted a stake, for me to be in the right place when they’re handing out the paychecks?

Hate to be a mercenary but this takeover is hostile. Luckily an ambulance awaits to get you to the hospital.

I wasn’t joking when I told you that I hoped you’d be deposed. I like the feeling of your throne, do you like feeling all alone? I like to steal the things you stole that you pretended that you owned. I like to see you be controlled by the people that you sold.

Hate to be a mercenary but this takeover is hostile. Luckily an ambulance awaits to get you to the hospital.

They declared it impossible.
Track Name: The Only One Who Knows
You never know if being alone is a condition of some greater cosmic vision, you don’t know if the one you’re dreaming of is a distraction from some later satisfaction.

All you control Is the motives of your soul. You’re the only one who knows If you are on the path you chose of your volition. If it’s so, maintain your mission.

Went out three times, then she decides that you are lovely and some other will be lucky, and if It hurts a bit, it also is just one more step toward someone who truly gets you.

All you control Is the motives of your soul. You’re the only one who knows If you are on the path you chose of your volition. If it’s so, maintain your mission.
Track Name: A Fix Exists
Thought I’d remember but I forgot. Thought I was the vendor but I was bought. Thought I was the captor but I was caught. Thought I would matter but I would not. Thought you would give me what you got. It didn’t go quite the way I’d thought.

She had a vision yet again, so sure we weren’t finished yet. See the position of this thread? Pull it till you reach the end, pull it till there’s nothing left of what she wore to bed.

Here’s hoping it’s not broken—somebody spilled the magic potion—and if it is, a fix exists.

Empty rooms he left behind, empty hearts and empty eyes. Try to stir something inside, try to find the will to try, find it’s just a waste of time. What happened to this life of mine?

Here’s hoping it’s not broken—lost the thrill in the commotion—and if it is, a fix exists.
Track Name: As if It Found Someone
Come walk around with me, talkin' chemistry, and let me hold your hand. Walk up and down with me this city's hilly streets, I'll help you understand that out beyond your skull, this world is beautiful. It spins around the sun as if it found someone.

Come take a bus with me, just place your trust in me. I'll take you anywhere. Come and discuss with me all the cool stuff we see from the window we share.

Out beyond...

Come start a band with me, ride in a van with me, jump from town to town. Fan insanity, rock 'n' roll fantasy, the love comes raining down.

Out beyond...
Track Name: I Turn Automatic
I was right that I was wrong: Hope you'll concede at least that much and we can just move on. Like the traps set in the attic, I’m spring-loaded, I get goaded, I turn automatic.

I wasn't like this when I was young. I was the nice kid on the bike, scared of no one. Aside from time, nothing bad happened. You choose who you'll give your love to, but I turn automatic.

If a man can win your love, his only chance is giving up. I had to lose you to convince you I didn't care enough to miss you.

I've heard that life's supposed to be hard. How else can we tell if we deserve to be who we are? The door latch, it snaps like static. Tomorrow I would follow, but tonight I turned automatic.
Track Name: Nation of Avenues (feat. Pieces)
Across a nation of avenues, cul-de-sacs and overpasses through this state of transformation, an all-night drive. You’re gonna see a stranger on the other side. Once in a while there's a hard fist knockin', wonder what other houses he's gonna try. Once in a while you gotta get up and unlock it, once in a while pull up the covers and hide.

Greyhound rescue's gonna learn about us, gonna get ourselves to school on an outbound bus. Gonna think about the rules but not too much. When they're too far inside of you, you can't get anything done. Once in a while...

Across a nation of avenues, nobody in the station knows what happened, and do I tell 'em what you did? Then they'd be mad at you. If you can get me to forgive you, then they probably would too. Once in a while...
Track Name: Stupid Town
If you are different, you'll get kicked around. Nobody's interested in this crowd. If you're invisible, you will get loud. I hear you're miserable in this stupid town, this stupid town, no mercy, just this stupid town, this stupid town, no justice.

I was embittered, I was just like you. No one was listening to what I knew was true. But out there glistening is someplace new. My life is history in this stupid town, this stupid town, no mercy, just this stupid town, this stupid town, no justice.

Nobody sought my thoughts or heard a word I said. They left me their cold breakfast as if that could serve instead, but the waffles tasted awful and I wished that I was dead. None of this exists if it's not on your GPS, and if this is living, tell me why I haven't left this stupid town, this stupid town, no mercy, just this stupid town, this stupid town, no justice.
Track Name: What I Wrote Down (feat. Reese Douglas and Josh Johnson)
For so long I've kept a record without recollecting why. I guess I thought that I would check it when there was nowhere else to try. I keep flipping through the pages as if the secrets that they tell had come from stranger elder sages, not just a version of myself.

Oh, so then tell me what I knew, that it could somehow help me today, and further, tell me what I know now, but won't know I knew it till I use it when I finally read what I wrote down.

Mister, I'd appreciate to have the chance to demonstrate the wisdom I've accrued: I think you'd find it truly useful. I just need a moment to go through all these notebooks, won't be any time at all, oh, mister, where'd you go?

Oh, so then tell me...

It's like it didn't happen if I didn't have a pen. The pen might be the last thing I've got left. I could've had your heart if I'd been smart about it then. Instead I had to be an ass and go and use my head. It betrayed me yet again.

Box the books and ship them cross the country to the site where you've decided that it's finally time you set up your new life. Put them on the bookshelf in your empty residence, open one at random, ask where everybody went.

Oh, so then tell me...
Track Name: Not What I Meant
I am wondering, I am just wondering if there's something I could maybe do for you to want me, or just to need me, I'm not greedy when it comes to you. I have no expectations whatsoever: That is what I said, but that's not what I meant.

We started dating, we started dating, so elated, I said "I love you," but there was no reciprocating. I meant the way you love a cake or a good pair of shoes. You know, as in friends—sorry to misrepresent. That is what I said, but that's not what I meant.

We stayed together, together through some nasty weather, till one day she said she could do better. Walked out the door, and I just let her walk away. I have no regrets and I wish you success.That is what I said, but that's not what I meant.
Track Name: 11:11
Burn my days, drown my nights. Let the flames dry my eyes. Cable box talks of time. Tick, tick, tock. Four of a kind.

Make a wish, will it come true? Mine just did, I'm here with you.

Raise the shades, let in the light. I'm amazed. I'm sure it'll be fine.
Track Name: The Guest Star of the Rest Stop
He woke near Boulder, Interstate soldier, by the dawn’s early headlights through the drawn curtains, screwed up his purpose, said I won’t be alone tonight. On my last dollar, the path I follow will get me satisfied. Forget the motto, Colorado is as flat as the scraps of tire in the shoulder of roads to nowhere, the Kansas borderline. Purgatory till Missouri, when he can seek and surely find.

Now interviewing whoever’s shooting the warm Midwestern breeze. The special guest star of the rest stop will be the next fair face I see.

In a red dress, former Miss Festus has fallen on tougher times. He said he knew it, south of St. Louis, just on the other side of Crystal City, which sounds so pretty, but has long since lost its shine. Leaned in to her ear, How much you need, dear? She said I could ask you the same. Let’s be honest, our needs aren’t modest, and we both could never pay. Climb to the back of this old cab and let’s see if we’re as free as they say.

Now interviewing whoever’s shooting the warm Midwestern breeze. The special guest star of the rest stop will be the next fair face I see.

He hovers over her body lower and lower, and she sees, as he draws closer, the lonely ghosts of her hometown’s evening breeze were the caresses and the hot breath she felt upon her flushing cheeks. Their gazes meeting, hearts’ rapid beating, sweet synchronicity. The roads are bone, and below the stone flows the blood of gasoline. He rolled beside her, and they would lie there all night and listen to the highway breathe.

Now interviewing whoever’s shooting the warm Midwestern breeze. The special guest star of the rest stop will be the next fair face I see.